Nineteen years. Nine years of childlessness. Nine years of anticipation, yearning, effort, and prayer for a blessing. We've wanted to enlarge our family for nine years. Nine years of monthly disappointment, sorrow, and frustration. During that period, I considered the delay to be extremely long.
I had no idea that our adventure, or should I say our waiting adventure, would extend well beyond what I believed I was capable of.
My now-husband Shane and I began dating immediately following my 2007 high school graduation. This summer was filled with aspirations, desires, and anticipation for the future. Early on, we both realized that we were intended to be together.
In 2009, we made our marriage official by exchanging marital vows in front of family and friends. We believed the universe was at our feet, and that our journey would commence with bountiful blessings.
Both of us graduated from college with honors, and our marriage was stronger than ever. Since we were both healthy and youthful at the time, we believed that starting a family would be effortless.
My OBGYN told us after six months of attempting to conceive that it could take up to a year to become pregnant. She continued, "Just relax, it will occur when you least expect it."
Should I get at least one test to ensure that everything is okay? I questioned. She concluded, "No, you are so young and healthy, I'm sure it will just take a little more time."
Disappointed after leaving that appointment, I went online to learn more about reproduction. Since I was reared in the 'purity culture' of abstinence prior to marriage and general 'how to have a baby' discussions were limited to the fundamental function of intercourse, 'how to actually become pregnant' was a major unknown.
During my independent investigation following that initial doctor's appointment, I rapidly discovered that there are numerous factors to consider when trying to conceive. The comprehension of hormonal cycles, ovulation timing, and conception periods dominated our daily conversations. The fertility treatments spectacle began.
Around the seventh year of infertility, I began working as a registered nurse in the NICU (Neonatal intensive care unit). It was there that I first met a foster parent. I was captivated by the foster parent's willingness to accept an infant who was a complete stranger into their household.
I was humbled by their comprehension and compassion for the biological family's problems, as well as their apparent lack of judgment for them. They genuinely had open arms for this needy child and were prepared to face the consequences.
Perhaps the infant would remain for a few months, a year, or eternally. Whatever the infant required, the surrogate parents were prepared.
During that encounter, my heart transformed its grief over infertility into a desire to help a child in need. I was so preoccupied with cycles, hormones, and life timing that I lost site of what I truly desired. That wasn't merely a pregnancy; it was intended to expand our family.
In foster care, reunification with the biological family is the primary objective. I was aware of this. I had received training on reunification and had personally witnessed how beneficial it can be. However, I also witnessed situations in which children required permanent homes and adoption.
This gave me optimism that perhaps we could provide a child in need with a permanent family. This marked the ninth year of our infertility.
Shane and I decided to become foster parents and open our hearts and home to any child in need after nine years of infertility, surgeries, testing, medications, and heartbreaking longing for a child. We have officially shifted our focus from conceiving a child to becoming a licensed adoptive home for children in the foster care system.
Always in the back of our minds was the possibility of pregnancy, and we would often remark, 'If it happens, it happens!' Or, family and acquaintances would tell us, "Once you adopt, you will become pregnant!" We secretly hoped they were correct; perhaps we would be that miraculously pregnant couple who also adopted children.
Six months passed between the beginning of the foster care certification process and our first placement. I will never forget the day we were notified of our placement. That day, we attended an afternoon showing of the film 'Instant Family,' and as we exited the theater, we joked, 'Okay! Now we're prepared!' As if viewing that uplifting and realistic film had primed us in some way for foster care.
Later that evening, to our astonishment, we received the placement call.
Finding Our Foster Kids
"Hey Sarah, we are looking for a home for two infant boys. Would you think about it?' Our case manager inquired over the phone. I gazed at Shane, stunned and unsure of what to ask or how to respond, and asked, "What do we do?"
"I believe these are our children," he asserted. My jaw fell, my heart began to race, and I became unsteady. "Yes," I mustered the courage to respond. They will be accepted! The caseworker exclaimed, "Great!" and by 10 o'clock that evening, we were officially the foster parents of two darling little boys.
I expected to feel overwhelmingly satisfied and content. As if God had ultimately answered all of my prayers when the boys were placed with us, but I did not feel this way. I had always envisioned and prayed for a child... a daughter, to be honest, not two toddler males.
Why was I still desiring a child when my arms were filled with two adorable boys in need of a home? I felt humiliated and guilty for having such notions. Who is to say, after all, that these lads could be adopted? Who would assert that we wouldn't get pregnant?
The following day, Shane heard a rumor that the boys' biological mother was expectant! I was stunned and didn't believe him when he said, "It's just social media rumors." Moreover, if she were expectant, wouldn't the caseworker have informed us before placing the boys?'
After all, having TWO children is a MASSIVE undertaking, let alone THREE! My heart soared at the prospect of a child, but I swiftly reined in my expectations. Might it be?
The Delivery Of Another Foster Sibling
The following day, we were surprised to learn from the caseworker that the biological mother was indeed expectant! ‘What?’ I exclaimed in complete astonishment. The caseworker then inquired, "Would you be willing to take that baby as well?" Shane and I just exchanged looks of disbelief.
Yes, we certainly will. If possible, we want to keep the siblings together.
While we awaited the arrival of their sibling, we were working with the boys to overcome the severe neglect, abuse, and trauma they had endured as young children.
The eldest began play therapy at the age of three to process what he had witnessed in his short life, which was more than the majority of people will ever experience in their entire lives. The younger child had developmental delays and was later diagnosed with autism.
Due to the gravity of the case, the court ordered that neither child have any contact with his biological family or parents during his time in foster care. They remained under our care and participated in every available therapy or service for which they qualified and were eligible.
As long as we had the means to do so securely, we felt confident that we could navigate the boys' challenges with the aid of a solid support system.
After eight months of anticipation and prayer, their sibling was finally deposited in my arms. A lovely infant female. The same day we brought her home from the hospital, we were able to introduce her to her elder siblings.
We were ecstatic at the prospect of greeting a new family member and hoped to keep this sibling group together eternally! My formerly vacant arms were now brimming with the bounties I had always desired. I never anticipated anything would happen to these three precious children, and I was so optimistic about our family's future.
Due to the behavioral needs of the boys, the birth of the new baby, and the onset of the pandemic, I decided to resign my nursing position so that I could focus on the children and provide them with consistent care at home. Due to the pandemic, many of their services ceased entirely or gradually shifted to virtual-only options.
At this time, the boys had been with us for close to two years, and there had been nothing but delays in court due to the pandemic.
Sadly, throughout this time, the eldest continued to struggle with severe behavioral issues that posed a threat to his younger siblings. After 19 months of adoring him and endeavoring to help him overcome his issues, the foster care system determined that he needed to be transferred to a residential treatment center.
The Path To Adoption
When I say I was devastated by his passing, I am not even scratching the surface of my grief. Nineteen months ago, he was my infant. 19 months ago, he began calling me mother. We tried for 19 months to love him more than his trauma and prayed that love would be sufficient to surmount all of his anguish and suffering.
I was powerless despite my desire for him to remain with us and his siblings. As soon as he was removed, I had no control over his subsequent care. I had no control over the decisions made for him. I have never felt more like a failure in my life. I had lost a child who was still alive, but distant from our family.
To this day, I still ponder if I could have acted differently and if that would have altered the outcome.
For me, the days and weeks following his removal were a haze. I was going through the rituals of motherhood while attempting to overcome the sorrow that had consumed me. I knew logically that my other two children and my spouse needed me, but I needed mental and emotional assistance.
My experience can only be described as a mental collapse. I had reached the lowest point of my existence, and I no longer desired to live. Despite having two children at home who required my presence every day, I struggled to find the motivation to continue living.
In my mourning, I was self-centered and unable to see a way out. The culmination of my struggles with infertility and the placement of this sibling group was ultimately reached. I lost sight of my fortitude and regarded myself as a failure. Thankfully, my stubbornness prevailed, and I made the call that altered the course of my life. I requested assistance.
The following year was comprised of daily decisions to show up. To remain alive. To be available to my family.
To be a better parent, I chose to work through my own issues and overcome the sorrow I was experiencing. I chose to let go of the sense of failure I felt after the loss of our eldest child and instead focus on how I could better prepare the remaining children for their futures.
The fog began to lift gradually. I learned to absolve myself and embrace each day as the complete blessing and answer to prayer that it was from God. He had placed gorgeous children who needed us in our embrace, and we were beyond fortunate to have them.
So... after 13 years of marriage, 9 years of infertility, 3 years of fostering to adopt, and more than a dozen caseworkers, I can humbly say that our adventure of waiting is finally over, and we have our eternal family!"
